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(no subject)

Jan. 5th, 2008 | 01:20 am

this is bitter sweet

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cruelty

Aug. 1st, 2007 | 01:57 am

manipulation used to be my game... and now i have no stomach for it....
how many casualties?
i am not sure i want to know....

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(no subject)

Jul. 31st, 2007 | 06:25 pm

if i do not catch myself i might fall hard.

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awake awake

Jul. 26th, 2007 | 10:29 am
mood: anxious anxious

i am awake and i should be sleep, but things need to be moved out. oi this is a pain.
i need and want many a things right now and i fairly sure i will not get the one i desire the most...
hope today gets better

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(no subject)

Oct. 13th, 2006 | 01:14 pm

so today i must traverse the plains of concrete to reach the wellness center. i am nervous and i am not looking forward to divulging those secrets that i keep so close to heart. ughh... i hate this.

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and it goes on

Jan. 1st, 2006 | 09:15 pm

Thoughts fade in and out like lighting in an old black and white film. the cue to move on was called out ten minutes ago, but moving on just seems like it is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Life speeds by without you and no one notices your tear stained cheeks, or the ghost-like frame that you have required. However fraility is not permitted, life will and can break you, and it is hard to piece it back together. Most of the pieces scatter and are swept away by the garbage collector, lost in the rubble of other's lives.
I feel like I a mirror, I can reflect other's lives and depict some clear path or solution, but when I look in it is distorted. When I see myself I am distorted.
The glue is losing the adhesion and I am falling apart and this time I do not want someone to glue me back together, I just want to remain disjointed.

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FRIEND'S ONLY

Mar. 29th, 2004 | 10:17 am
mood: cheerful cheerful

THIS JOURNAL IS FRIEND'S ONLY... LEAVE A MESSAGE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED....

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too much

Jan. 29th, 2004 | 11:38 am
mood: confused confused

i am beginning to hate him, why? he makes me feel like shit, and this is not my bf. i did not see him this week and even on the phone he makes me feel like this. he called me why he was shooting up. when he is on heroine, he is a complete asshole. i do not even feel like dealing with him. aghh!!! sometimes i just want to kick the shit out of him. hopefully he won't call today, if he does, i am not talking. i can't do this anymore. my boy was pissed, i never realized how much hurts me, obvioulsy my boy does and it bothers him, why wouldn't it? i have always let him do it, i keep talking to him though. aghhh..... i am hesitant about bringing it up to him. i don't know what to do.

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again

Jan. 6th, 2004 | 03:09 pm
mood: frustrated frustrated
music: pardon me- incubus

i still feel bad, i stayed up most of the night, trying not to do it, i gave in, did it. finally went to bed. i woke up, didn't even want to move. i was pissed, i did it more this morning, my mom yelled at me, afraid that i was going to miss the bus, *tear* i would have really been upset about that. so i made it out, in time to spare. ughh!!!! i hate lunch, i hate the dumb fucks that i have it with. yes, i am superior, not, but i still don't like them. ah!!! too much work for school that i am not in the mood to do, i must medicat myself and get to work. well i should get to work. i have 2 big things to do. the rest i finished ahead of time. so much for me not procrastinating. oh well. life sucks anyway. bye

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again

Jan. 5th, 2004 | 10:24 pm
mood: depressed depressed
music: the sound of my soul dissapating

i am so confused. yeah he is acting weird and i am confused, but who cares, he has changed and i don't know how mush longer we will be friends but, i have no control over that, at this point i don't even think he does. ahh he keeps calling me and we say nothing. he knows i feel weird around,or he at least senses something. he plays the guitar when he calls, it i s rather soothing, but i that is all i hear. he knows something is wrong, i guessi am avoiding him again tomorrow. i know it hurts his feelings but it has nothing to do with him. lately i have had the desire to cause him pain, i am not sure why, but i enjoy. that is wrong i know, but once again oh well. hmm... you may read this, you may not, but yeah you are either not coming on,or i will be off by the time you do get on. well, yeah i am okay, ok that is a lie, i am not. i suppose i feel emoty, devoid of soul. is it bad to feel happy with one person and then feel like shit the rest of the time. i know people care, i just don't care. i am looking at colleges, will i even make it? i see myself falling, but there is no ending, i just fall, deeper and deeper. i feel so unstable, home feels unstable. i hate school. i almost ready to fight like i did before. i just want to sleep, well and talk to you that is. pathetic right? i have responsiblities, but i just don't care. i care aout my cat and you. that is all. i am so scared. i don't want to do this again and not to you. i am afraid of me. well, i have to go, maybe i'll see you tomorrow. xoxoxoxo..... please don't feel bad.

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